i dont really think about death much - if at all. its not as though i forget about it, it just doesnt seem particularly pertinent to me at the moment seeing as how im (only?) 22. perhaps i should. i can die at any moment, and my drive to stay healthy comes and goes like the moon cycles. that probably didnt make sense, but i didnt want to say wind or whatever else is said with that saying. or perhaps setting that up to begin with, the use of that, and the direct and immediate alteration of it so as to be different is just another way im adhereing to that cliche. either way, death seems as though it should atleast cross my mind a few times a month. i actually had a dream about death last night. every where i went there was a circular shadow following me on my right, a little in front of me cometothinkofit. it was a big annoyance. i hope i dont have that dream again, or if i do, i can at least be lucid enough to tell him to leave me alone, that you're annoying, go bother someone else, or atleast get behind me. im not trying to ignore death, im just more concerned about living. with living comes death, but death comes second. so many artists - famous and otherwise - are so tortured by death - tolstoy and donne to name the first that come to mind. i feel as though im missing out on something. id like to think of myself as an artist of some kind. li young lee said that each word requires breath, and is a form of death, but i think he thinks too much. id like to see that guy happy, thoughtless. anyways.

by the way, the song and cd title are horribly ironic. ha!

I dreamed I was crying, hysterical. I didn't know why, in the dream, but when I woke up I could do nothing but cry. I miss her. I want to be in her life again. We hardly talk anymore. It hurts just to type this, but I must. We may hangout this weekend, and I'm thinking of telling her I like you. But that's stupid. She knows I love her. I don't know what to do. I want to know if she can ever be with me again. I've been there for her, I haven't brought any of it up, and I want to know what she thinks about everything. I am not doing it all for her, I care about it. It is just so difficult to go on not knowing. I thought I could handle the distance, the silence from her. Yesterday I was looking for something to eat, and I saw the black bean burgers she had given me and I had a huge, unexpected pang of sadness. I began to seriously write poetry last night. Would those two things have to do with any of it? Conrad said its just grieving. I think it's love.

How slow do I take it? Should I initiate, be the first to tell her how I feel? I'm sure she knows, but its been over a month of me not sending her letters, and part of me wonders if she questions my feelings towards her now. We always have a great time together. At King Tut she was far ahead of me, not sticking with me at all. I don't understand that. I don't understand why she was in such a rush. Then again, after the exhibit and the gift shop, we sat down, and she laid her head down on my shoulder. I hate looking into things, but when I want to be with her so bad it's hard not to.

I have texted her "I really, really miss you" and she hasn't given any response. Perhaps she doesnt have her phone, or maybe my texts are messing up, maybe she is busy at work, maybe she hasn't responded for a reason, maybe not. She hasn't been going out nearly as much (so far as I know) as she did before. Could she be feeling more confident about me? I hate looking at things that are for me, or that may make me feel better. I don't want to get my hopes higher than they already are. It hurts enough already. She said she isn't ready for a relationship right now. She has finished her personal statement, and even mailed off her first law school application. I am so happy for her. I wish we talked more.

I'm wasting away. I have nothing to show for a full semester at school aside from grades. I not only need to say YES more, but go after life. I'm tired of not taking part in life.